Staff problems…

To North Wales this week for a much needed break after lockdown. Or is it? I do need a break – but only in the showbiz sense of the word and given my light workload over the last eighteen months, the last thing I need is a rest. A rest from what exactly? Resting?

Six couples in all with loads of kids in tow (but none of them ours, which is another story for another time) and with such an important wedding anniversary impending (and no kids) I wonder if this little break might have a sense of romance to it?

But any such hopes (of mine) are quickly scotched on the first night. Not by Nikki but by our dog, Tessa who has made the trip also and naturally, is sharing our hotel room. For such purposes, we packed Tessa’s specifically designed dog basket/bed which I naively thought she might use. Not a bit of it. Not when a human bed is there for the sharing. I ignore her most mournful looks and deliver some stern words, even adding a finger wag – but all to no avail. Lights out is her cue, she lands deftly, takes up position between us and proves to be immovable.

Our hotel is a country house dating back 500 years and even hosted Oliver Cromwell, hatching his plot to overthrow King Charles 1. And now in 2021 and maybe even in the same room, a comedian and writer is plotting how to overthrow (from his bed) a Staffordshire Bull Terrier in the hopes of celebrating a special anniversary. I note that Nikki is less put-out by our new sleeping arrangements but I don’t mention this.

Speaking of marriages – our hotel appears to be a go-to venue for weddings with its especially converted barns for dancing, eating and general revelry. During our stay, they even host a wedding on a Tuesday which begs the question, who gets married on such an unfashionable day? I suspect that the answer is couples who can’t afford a Saturday or simply that the back log after Covid is just so long. The weather is not very kind for the couples big day. Definitely the biggest Tuesday of their lives. Blustery, overcast and with a permanent threat of rain. The wedding photographer will need to work quickly.

I didn’t see the happy couple but the guests are unmistakable. Ladies in hats and shoes that look painful. Men in suits that look like they were purchased many seasons ago. On average, about 20 pounds ago and old people of course, making up the wedding party. Aunts, uncles and the odd Gran who probably won’t stay for long although this is not the case for one elderly lady who somehow managed to fall from her wheelchair and break her clavicle – that’s the collar bone to you and I.

Things are further complicated by the lady having brittle bones. I am unclear if this is because of her age or that she has the condition that afflicts some people. But this is a digression and irrelevant because there remains an elderly guest with a broken bone and in need of an ambulance.

And here’s the thing…

Next to the hotel is an enormous hospital and I mean literally next door to the hotel. I don’t mean down the road or just close by. I mean the very next building. And it’s a big hospital. So big that it even warrants a sign on the motorway – indicating where motorists should turn off.

Making the hotel ideally located as a wedding venue with inebriated guests becoming injured. Or not as things transpire because for a broken collar bone, the party are told to prepare for a six hour wait for an ambulance – even though the hospital is only hundreds of yards away (up the longish driveway from the hotel to the road). But I expect that the emergency operator/controller is not local and might even be abroad in our internet age and there is nothing anyone can do.

The hotel staff can’t assist either by driving the unfortunate patient up their drive, hang a right and right again, straight in to Accident and Emergency. Apparently, insurance is the issue because if the patient’s condition worsens, she would have grounds to sue. We need the rule of law of course and therefore we need lawyers but who’d be in personal injury? No doubt a good income but presumably such gains are tempered by the lack of sleep.

The wedding guests can’t oblige either – all pissed (drunk) perhaps – and they have a dance floor to fill – how the DJ must have been tempted to play the floor filler – Come on Eileen.

Late in to evening – well gone 10pm – an ambulance finally arrives and the poor lady is trended to and driven off – probably to a hospital many miles away just to complete the insanity of modern life.

And the reason for our wedding anniversary being special – well, it being our 27^th – it will mean that I have been ensconced with Nikki for more years than I have been without.

A landmark lost on my beloved dog who is unwilling to concede any ground whatever and puts paid to any romantic interludes.

Tessa Holland literally keeping Mr and Mrs Holland apart and somehow managing to remain the most popular member of the household.

With Nikki anyway.