Making the Cut…

The kitchen is the hub of any house.

Much more so than the lounge and especially since TV’s have become redundant, replaced by laptops and even phones now. Who knew?

And to think I recall watching in wonder a colour television for the first time. Now I am barely able to turn my TV on…

Check Source and HDMI 1


And this is somehow progress. A cruel irony then that my TV is called ‘smart’, so what does this make me – the dolt who can’t use it.

The kitchen remains the main stay of any home – for now at least, under threat also from the mobile phone and their pesky apps. Getting a take away used to be a thing. An operation. Seeking a consensus on what food. Delivered or pick it up yourself? I prefer picking it up because I reason it is more likely to be freshly cooked – and be hot. But now everyone delivers and with just a click – and easy as you like, my account is debited.

For now at least, most of us are still cooking – or warming up at least , anyway – because eating remains the very best part of every day.

‘What shall we eat tonight?’

The question we ask ourselves every day.

For the Holland household at least, the kitchen is a hub and a busy communal space. And with no real rules and so many options, it is unsurprising how often things are lost and how frequently tempers flare.

Where are the f****** scissors?

Another frequent question and never asked quietly or politely.

Something about scissors. So useful and frequently required. But never to hand because they are never returned to their designated place, ever. Always lost. I’ve tried to solve this by buying multiple scissors but the results are the same. We just have more pairs of scissors that are nowhere to be found.

Egg cups, the same. How many times have I been reduced to using the egg box as an egg cup? It works okay. Obviously, it fits. But the aesthetic is poor and my lunch/breakfast is ruined by frustration. At least with scissors there is logic to their disappearance. That someone might have a use for them elsewhere in the house – like wrapping presents.  But egg cups?

Nikki accuses me of being unable to find things. She says I am incapable of opening my eyes and looking properly. Incapable also of putting food in the correct compartments of the fridge.

“Oh so what. It’s all cold, right?”

Our kitchen is hub but a war zone also. Frustrations can run high, for instance when things can be located but they no longer work.

Knives that used to be sharp. But now they struggle to cut even bread.

Scissors that jam. That tear more than cut.

Non-stick pans that stick.

Or a dish washer that is too needy and always in need of something… rinse aid, salt, a rest or just a damn good clean itself.

But such things can be overcome. Some kitchen gadgets can work to a point and still be tolerated. The blunt knife can be pressed down harder, or sharpened of course. We can make blunt scissors work by taking things slowly and being patient. The sticky non-stick pan can de doused in oil…

But there is one kitchen gadget which absolutely has to work at full function. A gadget where anything less than full function is a real problem; creating frustration but potentially  real danger also. Life altering injuries have been known when this gadget doesn’t do its thing.

Any thoughts or ideas what this might be. We use it regularly. No kitchen is complete without it. They can be electrical or mechanical and they range from simple to complex. But the task and result is always the same.

I give you…

The humble can-opener.

The part working can-opener is no can-opener at all. Creating a razor sharp puzzle to get to the contents.

Maybe a take-out is the safest option after all.


31 essays or more nonsense like this are compiled in this latest book – Takes on Life – on this site and online.





13 thoughts on “Making the Cut…

  1. Liya says:

    Something about scissors. So useful and frequently required. But never to hand because they are never returned to their designated place, ever. Always lost. I’ve tried to solve this by buying multiple scissors but the results are the same. We just have more pairs of scissors that are nowhere to be found.

    Yes this is what happens everytime. 3 days ago, mom brought two scissors because me and my brother lost the old ones. And today, seriously, my dad couldn’t find one of the new one.

  2. Sydnee Coleman says:

    Lovely blog Mr. H, and i feel this to the depths of my soul, we lose scissors more often Then not, to the point that we made a scissor drawer and it’s still empty. And sadly I don’t know what an egg cup is so…, but reading I knew you were going to say can-opener, funny enough, we still don’t have a perfectly working opener. But we make do.
    Also I bought Only in America, I remember vaguely that you wished we would use the kindle version because it’s free, but I need a physical copy, and unless they were printed with your signature in them, I did very well, getting one. But it looks like in was printed in the book, I bet you could tell me.

  3. Jess says:

    There is something sinister about scissors. As long as I can remember, we have been unable to find a single pair of scissors in our house. To find a scissor is a rare occurrence and one that you must make alone; for if everyone sees it, it’ll be gone in 20 seconds – never to be seen again.

  4. Kayla Rae says:

    “Another frequent question and never asked quietly or politely“ – ok I feel so much better knowing I’m not the only one who gets aggressive about misplaced scissors!

  5. Lorraine says:

    The humble can opener, hiding quietly at the bag of the drawer, waiting- just waiting, till the time when you’re in the middle of making dinner, opening a tin for the contents when the ring pull breaks. It comes into its own by holding you hostage. It hides and has you rummaging around in a panic until it comes to save the day by letting you find it. Humble?? Maybe – but devious definitely

  6. Ben says:

    Oh scissors…. I think we’ve bought more than is acceptable now and still we can only find one pair because everyone actually bothers to put that set in the right place! The one thing we always lose in the kitchen is a small glass bowl…. doesn’t sound like much but it is constantly being used for countless Salads and baking opportunities, that is if it can be found. I’m happy we finally have a whisk after about six months of not having one

  7. Isabella Benz says:

    Something we all can agree on, the bloody scissors. My mother and I are constantly at war in the kitchen, I as the baker and mess-maker and she the cook and cleaner, with the men in our house fearing of being caught in the crossfire. What are we fighting over? Counter space. Wooden spoons. Clean saucepans. And, of course, those damn scissors. Will there ever be a ceasefire? I’m afraid only when the table is set…

  8. Rachel Conrad says:

    When you listed the scissors, and knives, and non-stick pans, the can opener was what came to mind with my family, and then you said it!
    That was literally a recent birthday present because the can openers we get are just no good, ever!!!! The worst was when we were reserved to using one of those church key can openers.
    I really enjoyed the blog this week, and looking forward to the next one!

  9. Laura says:

    I might be a little late to the comment party but I have a suggestion that might be a solution for your scissors problem at least (in case you haven’t found one already). But I’m afraid it involves more technology… It’s a little tracking device that works like a keyring (Tile, AirTag, etc). You attach it to the offending scissors and voilá! If you lose them your phone will find them for you. And since phones nowadays are extensions of our arms, you’d always be a few clicks away from the scissors hiding place. 😉
    As for the egg cups… maybe hide one in the Hollands least favourite mug? Lol

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