That feeling when you’ve lost your complete set of keys!
The shear frustration. Not to mention the dread and the creeping paranoia because our keys are access all areas and obviously, they aren’t just mislaid – someone has them.
And not someone like you and I. You know, decent and honest types.
No, some miscreant has my keys and is planning to rob me blind. Just waiting for his chance. Sitting in a van, watching and waiting for my house to be empty – so they can let themselves in and fill their boots.
Such catastrophic thinking is normal, I think, but it doesn’t really stack up. To begin with, during this lockdown, we are never out of the blinking house and so these burglars will need to have the patience of wildlife photographers.
They could take their chances at night but it’s a brazen or foolhardy thief because between a Staffordshire Bull Terrier and me up so often to pee, he is bound to encounter some resistance.
Another flaw in my thinking, is that if thieves do have my keys, then it is odd that they haven’t yet stolen our car.
Logically then, my keys have not been stolen and this is a good thing.
But then, where are they?
I mean, really, WHERE THE F**** ARE THEY?
The search goes on and the frustration mounts.
It should be said that Nikki and I are the most energised of the key hunters – with Sam and Paddy seemingly much less bothered by their loss.
“But Dad, you’ve got another set of keys, right?”
This goes on for days – and soon in to weeks and still, no keys – but still our car remains – and this gives me hope.
We have searched every possible place that they could be – and on numerous occasions, just-in-case.
Goading us somewhat is our dedicated key bowl – a glass bowl within a drawer and specifically designed as a key depository.
This entire drawer and this bowl have been completely emptied on at least three different occasions – just-in-case.
Still, nothing.
And so I decide that they must have been stolen after all. I should alert the police to be on the look-out for thieves who can’t drive.
Defeated (and still paranoid) I call a locksmith but they can’t come out due to the lockdown and I decide that this is good news. It gives me more time. They’re bound to turn up, right?
I go online and do a tentative search for a replacement car key and fob and my spirits plummet.
£795 plus VAT at 20%
Plus the front door lock will need replacing – and the side gate and quickly I am in to more than £1,000.
Plus I haven’t gigged for three weeks and might not get do so again until October!
People – we need to find these keys.
‘I’m gonna check the key drawer again.’
‘I’ve already checked that twice.’
‘I know, but just-in-case.’
Sam and Harry spend most of their energies suggesting reasons why I needn’t panic – in other words, why they needn’t help looking.
‘But, Dad, we’ve got nothing to steal.’
This is true and pretty decent logic.
We have some TV’s and an array of mobile phones but that’s about it. Small beer and no interest to professional thieves. There is my computer of course – which contains the manuscript of the ready-to-go The Fruit Bowl – but if anyone can get this to shift, then I’m all ears. They need only ring the front door bell and I will gladly cut them in.
And so the search continues.
From its nooks and crannies, my car gives up errant pens, stray golf tees and even an old shoe – but alas, no keys.
We firmly establish that the keys are not under any of the beds and nor are they in my shed.
Two evenings ago, having filled another day with nothing – and feeling dejected, I thought to cheer myself by watching some television and so another familiar search ensues.
‘Where’s the bloody remote?’
I have written before about my disdain for whoever conceived the Apple TV remote – a device specifically designed to be lost.
The mood I am in, I call Paddy down from his room. It’s more lair than room; I haven’t dared enter since the lockdown.
Finally he emerges.
“What?”
Obviously, I have interrupted a game he was enjoying with his mates and perversely I am pleased.
‘I need you to find me the remote for the TV.’
I don’t explain why and don’t need to – he just senses my urgency, understands the gravity of the situation and gets on with his search.
Meanwhile I stare at a brick wall and imagine punching it.
Paddy digs his skinny arm down between the tight seat cushions of our newish sofa – and begins grabbing about blindly. An obvious place to look. Too obvious and I am not hopeful.
But then, his face registers something. He’s definitely found something and I hope it’s not another bloody jigsaw puzzle piece. His cherubic face is excited now as he begins to retrieve his arm. I wait, transfixed. It reminds me of those fishing posts on Instagram.
Finally, his hand breaks free from the clutches of the cushions – I hear a jangle and I am confused because remotes don’t jangle. But keys do.
There in Paddy’s hand are the missing keys.
I can’t tell you, the joy?
I’m a grand up – and once again, our house which contains nothing nickable is safe.
Nikki is elated but confused because she had thoroughly searched that sofa.
Fat fingers I wonder but I don’t say this of course. I’m an experienced husband and I don’t want to ruin a beautiful moment.
Well done Paddy and thank you Mr Steve Jobs. You are a genius after all.
I can now revert to worrying about something else – and with this lockdown I have plenty to choose from.
Happy Easter everyone.
*
Because of this lockdown and my immediate and foreseeable unemployment, I have launched a page on Patreon – a page I intend to cram with great content – or great by my standards, at least. I will continue to post blogs on this site, but for readers and listeners for whom this is insufficient, you can CLICK HERE. There are a few pieces already posted with much more to come, you are very welcome and thank you.
fat fingers.. hahaha.. cracked me up
It’s great that you found the keys! But now I need to know, did you find the remote? (if you did mention, I do apologise. I have been drinking, doing my best to celebrate my 21st )
happy bday – yep found the remote – all is good
I read with great anticipation and was so pleased and satisfied with the ending!
Thanks Dom, keep up the good work.
Love, from New Mexico U.S.A.
Happy Easter to you and yours!
The everlasting «where are my keys» game…think we’ve all been there and delt with the panic of where, when and how many locks do I need to change! After installing a codelock on the front door (due to an intruder invading my house while my son was home alone after school) I’ve got the oposite problem. I forget to bring my keys to work with me when I leave the house cause I don’t need them to lock up!
Maybe they didn’t steal the far Beavis) because THEY ARE in the car, waiting for someone to get in to kidnap the person. Go out there and make sure your knife is sharp! I’m kidding, PLS don’t take it seriously…
This was making me anxious to read, so I’m definitely glad you found your keys in the end. There’s no worse feeling than losing something so small, yet so important.
But I do hope you also found your remote in the end? Hahaha
Sam and Harry’s reaction is just way too relatable.
“Just don’t worry so much”
My parents would get so frustrated with that answer, but the more you worry, the worse you think.
Now that I live with my brother when something is lost I usually look for it for a bit, and if I didn’t find it, and is not that urgent, then I just give it a couple of days until I find it by accident. If I don’t, then I start worrying.
Usually works, and I don’t get stressed out.
Im glad you found the keys.
Loved it!
This story reminds me of my own which I had literally few days ago. Let me be honest I’m not doing much during quarantine. I sat on my couch, wanted to take cozy blanket and I heard a noise of remote hit the floor. Obviously I had to find it asap… you know my room is kinda small so I didn’t have a lot of area to check but I couldn’t find it, like it’s disappeared. I gave up. After few days I decided to change my life and start do some home workouts and the miracle happened. I found my remote under the desk. I’m sure that I’ve checked that place but here we are. Happy Easter!
but where’s the remote?????
got the remote man – onwards
Oh, this made me laugh so much!
Good to know, thanks
Thank you for your blog! As I woke up this morning to the dreaded white stuff falling from the sky and in a winter storm, reading a story about lost keys made me chuckle. Been there, done that! Now my car has a push button start so my keys never leave my purse!! My husband calls me “Sophia” from “The Golden Girls” because I don’t go anywhere without my purse! Remotes on the other hand are always lost! We have 2 remotes for our main TV in our living room. One that operates our tv, sound system and cable system and one that just operates the cable system. So if you lose one at least you can change the channel on the TV. I remember the days you actually had to get up to change the channel on the TV. Missing my mom today since I usually spend it with her! She’s stuck at home by herself so thank goodness for FaceTime! I’ll check out your page on Patreon! I need a good laugh or two during this crazy time we are living in!!
with you Pam – my mum is alone today and it feels completely weird.
Happy Easter from my family to yours
Another lovely blog, but one thing has me worried did you find the TV remote?
we did indeed! Life is good (sort of)
I have heard stories of people duct taping their apple remotes to larger easier to find household items such as a spatula or wooden spoon. I thought it was clever.
You had me in knots laughing about the keys Dom. A couple of years ago. I had a brand new car and drove it about 80 miles from home. On the way back I threw stuff into a skip and as you can imagine – in went the keys too (this was on the middle of the country). I was not too happy- far from home with no keys. I was picturing asking my husband to drive home from work and then 80 miles with a second set so I tried to retrieve them. I was about to climb onto something I had found to reach into the skip when a very nice man offered to help. He had a long aerial type thing with a magnet on it and he retrieved them for me and saved the day. I was so grateful I made sure to repay his kindness. The fear is real when the keys go missing. Enjoy the rest of Easter. Hope all the Holland/Frost families stay safe
brilliant – a dump is the biggest nightmare to lose anything – that guy, what a hero!
Good job Patrick!
Dom,
Have you tried a virtual show? We are doing all kinds of classes etc on zoom. You could do a parent chat q n a!
Let’s discuss!!!
Audrey
but what advice would i give. have you seen my kids?
My goodness Dom! This reply is hilarious! Don’t be so harsh on yourself, you must’ve done something right to have 4 boys in/heading into good careers with a great sense of humour 🙂
Hi Dominic.
I’ve been enjoying your blogs for a while now and thought I would go back to the beginning and read all the ones I haven’t seen . I got all the way to 2015 and read one that caught my eye when I had finished I pressed the back arrow and it took me all the way back to the first page!
This has happened every time I’ve scrolled back and re read one!
Is there any way of eventually adding a next and previous arrow once you have opened a blog post to save me from endless scrolling to get me back to where I was.
Many warm wishes
Jessica
blimey no idea – the thought of living my life over – makes you a hero
Happy Easter to you and all your family!! I’m happy you found your keys but… where was the remote?
dunno – but it turned up
Oh that bloody Apple TV remote! It commonly gets lost in my house too and it doesn’t help I have a three year old sister, so you can imagine the frustration! I distinctly remember the remote once finding itself down the back of the sofa and my dad did his back in from having to pull the sofa forward! Great times!
with you man – all day long (and night)
Congrats to Paddy for finding the keys (and I assume you found the remote)! Happy Easter, The Holland’s!
I have to say when I saw the picture above I thought of a swinging party, and wondered where this blog was going! Not sure what that says about by mind, but I blame lockdown. Glad Paddy saved the day (and your wallet!) – ‘tis an age old problem which our house goes through regularly. That along with glasses and bank cards. Thanks for the giggle as always, and happy Easter to you all! And by the way Dom, the facial hair really suits you
Love the way you write these day to day stories, making them sound kinda epic and so real we can actually see things happening in our minds… Those simple but funny stories make me laugh a lot, tnx!
I love your blogs, I always have a lot of fun reading it hahaha, thank you!!! Keep doing the podcasts (with Sam), please, I also love it!! Happy Easter, lots of love!
I think we can all relate to your story. I just go to my kids and offer $5 to whoever finds my keys (or sunglasses) first. They usually turn up really fast. I’m starting to wonder if they are hiding them in the first place!
clever kids in which case
Terrific blog! I do have a habit of losing things also (normally my shoes) and am a known misplacer (if that’s even a word). That’s why when something of mine was actually stolen, no one believed me because they thought I lost it…
I listened to your podcast the other day (another great btw), hospitality is an extremely hard area to work. Also, would be lovely to hear from more Holland’s (if they’re willing )
Hope you had a lovely Easter (even if you couldn’t do anything)
i have such plans for the pod
Our Staffy mix would take and hide the remote all the time! …and shoes, and hats, and printer paper? Not sure if Tessa hid your keys, but glad you found them!
Hello Dom, i am so glad that you found your keys but what about the remote? Things always go missing in my house and me being a 14 year old with an older sister always gets the blame, apple TV remotes were made to be lost but in my house hold i will be searching for it for 20 minutes and my sister would have been sitting on it the whole time. As for the membership i will see what i can do, i purely enjoy these blogs and pod/vlog casts and i would love to know that i can support you and return the favor because theses blogs and reading your book ‘Eclipsed’ have really distracted me and helped me in this time so i would love to help you 🙂
no pressure – for sure these blogs will continue
🙂
Glad everything was found. Happy ending all around! Btw, glad the Mrs. didn’t catch the fat finger’s comment, Dom! Otherwise, that self same couch would your bed too, mate! LOL! Happy Easter!
correct
Happy Easter Holland !!! Don always makes me smile
Oh my gosh. I hate that feeling loosing keys is almost (or the same) as loosing a wallet. Which I’ve done to both. Glad Paddy saved the day. Happy Easter to the Holland Family!
ive cancelled the cards before
Oh Dom this made me laugh out loud! An ever playing scenario in out house too; I’m very good at ‘losing’ keys. However, the best thing I lost was my husband’s passport application- we searched high and low, wondering if we had posted it and forgotten. We rang the passport office; no application. Eventually (on their wedding anniversary) my lovely parents took a trip to Newport with a new application on our behalf. New passport arrived a few weeks later in the post, all sorted. Fast forward 6 months or so and I am sitting in the car waiting for my husband to finish some sporting event, getting a bit bored and start looking around the car for something to read – open the glove compartment and …….what’s this envelope addressed to Newport ?? Yep the missing application, old passport and cheque that I had put there so we wouldn’t forget to post it …………
it always turns up! Nice story
Dear Mr Holland,
I hope that this message finds both you and your loved ones well. I only recently started listening to your blogs after my twin sister suggested that I listen to ‘In this Together…’ (she is a fan of your eldest and has been since we watched ‘The Impossible’ and has been reading your blogs for a while now but recently recommended them to me suggesting that they would make me laugh and serve as an escape from uni stress and the thoughts that fill the rabbit hole I have been in for a while now, anorexia). I have really liked the last few blog posts you have posted . I say listen to because I am blind and my screen reader reads aloud your posts in an Irish elderly female accent. After listening to ‘In This Together..’ I immediately thought of my dad. He works in logistics and currently in Australia that is considered essential. However, he does not earn very much since he never finished school and our mum hasn’t worked since she became ill many years ago. We live off my dad’s minimum wage and my university scholarship. My dad hates relying upon me, always has and I think it is because he is from the generation where he still sees himself as the man of the household, the breadwinner and feels ashamed for having to seek help, especially from his daughters. I wish it didn’t break him to ask for help, I wish he would vocalise how he is feeling but that has never been my dad and I think he will always remain distant so helping financially seems like the only way I can help him. I also loved your post about Tessa. I am the lucky owner of a guide dog, Bronte. She is my everything, my eyes, my first steps into any room but when she is out of harness she has the tendency to destroy everything, except her stuffed Little Miss Sunshine toy. It accompanies her everywhere, much to my annoyance when I trip over it in the kitchen or in the bathroom for some silly reason. There is something pure about dogs. Bronte often receives more attention than me. I like to be invisible and hide from the world but Bronte and her brown orbs seem to invite people over to us when we are at uni, on the train, etc. People will often start talking to her and then leave without acknowledging me. However when they leave I often feel Bronte nuzzle my hand and I immediately remember that she sees me, she does not care how much attention she gets (though food is another matter entirely), she simply remains my best friend, my Bronte. I am really sorry for bothering you with this long comment and please don’t feel compelled to read it but I guess I just wanted to say thank you. Being forced to stay home is hard, especially when you are simply left with your thoughts that are not exactly the kindest when your me but your blog posts and the window into your family you have provided never fail to make me smile so thank you.
this is a humbling comment – and well done for looking out for dad and realising what a good bloke he is. Best wishes with your studies and thanks for enjoying my blog.
Dear Mr Holland,
I hope that this message finds you well. I am really sorry for bothering you and please don’t read this unless you want to. I am not sure if I already posted this since I am not very tech savvy despite being almost 23 so I am really sorry if I have already but I just wanted to say thank you. I have only recently started listening to your blogs after my twin sister recommended that I listen to ‘In this together’. She has been reading your blog for a while now (she is far better acquainted with the internet than I ever will be) since she is a fan of your eldest, has been since The Impossible but with everything going on right now, she said that I might find some laughter and an escape in your blog posts from uni stress and the rabbit hole that I seem to be stuck in called anorexia. I say ‘listen to’ because I am blind so my screen reader reads aloud your posts.
I loved your post ‘In This Together’ and immediately thought of my dad. Here in Australia my dad is considered an essential worker because he works in logistics. He never finished school or completed a trade and has earned a minimum income for as long as I can remember. My mum has not worked since she became sick. As a result, I have witnessed my dad struggle to make sure that my sister and I wanted for nothing. Recently with exports and imports being reduced significantly he has had to ask me for money since I have a university scholarship. He hates asking, I can tell in his voice. I think it is something that typifies your generation, where the male was the breadwinner, the head of the household and is too proud to ever ask for help or show emotion. I know he feels shame for having to rely upon his daughter but I hope he one day realises that I don’t mind, that this is my hug to him and show of love(he has never hugged my sister and I – he is your typical Australian male from the land).
I also loved your post about your dog Tessa and her dino. I have a beautiful golden lab, Bronte. She is actually a guide dog and she is my eyes and my first footsteps. There is something so pure about dogs. I get a lot of people coming up to Bronte and I when we are on the train, at the shops or at uni. They will often have a whole conversation (one sided I must stress) with Bronte, not even notice me and be on their way. However, Bronte doesn’t let this inflate her ego. She loves compliments, especially if they are accompanied by food but she always nuzzles me, reminds me that I am not alone despite living in a world of darkness. When she is out of harness she loves to destroy her toys except for her stuffed Little Miss Sunshine. She takes Little Miss everywhere around the house, much to my annoyance since I have tripped over it a thousand times.
Anyways, I am really sorry for bothering you and I am glad you found your keys.
Thank you for making me think and laugh with your blog posts and I hope to maybe try your podcasts once I work out how your get them on your phone. Thank you for also giving me an escape from the thoughts in my head that are not the kindest, especially now when everything is so uncertain and lonely. I hope you and your family had a lovely Easter and I hope one day the Brothers Trust does an activity that is less visual base too! Puzzles went down like a lead balloon in this house, especially when Bronte walked right on top of it.
There is a sacred law of nature that you will only find something you are desperately searching for once you’ve lost something else entirely.
I always find stuff I’ve lost when I’m looking for new stuff I’ve lost.
At home, I’m the Finder; the one who everyone comes to, seeking help for finding their things. Not to brag, but to be honest I’m quite good at finding lost things. And as beneficial as this ‘seeking’ skill is for me, it does have its own set of drawbacks. These days my family members just come up to me and say out of the blue, that they’ve lost so and so thing, and could I please help them to find it. Which at this point is fairly okay and reasonable, so I agree to it. The search that ensues is quite exhausting (for me only, since the one who lost their belonging has put the expert – me – on the job and wandered off to do something far more interesting and worth their time).
I end up turning the entire house over, only to locate the so called ‘lost item’ where its owner said they’d looked twice.
I’m smarter now; (funny how certain experiences make one a quick learner) I start by searching in the exact spot they said they’d double-checked. And more often than not, there it is; the rogue item with all its glory, lying in the same spot they’d insisted it wouldn’t be. Sometimes I get the feeling that they’re just being extra lazy, but I daren’t say this to them!!
P.S. You could try turning your “Fruit Bowl” into a remote bowl, similar to the one you have for your keys. That way you won’t keep losing your “Apple” remote.
At home, I’m the Finder; the one who everyone comes to, seeking help for finding their things. Not to brag, but to be honest I’m quite good at finding lost things. And as beneficial as this ‘seeking’ skill is for me, it does have its own set of drawbacks. These days my family members just come up to me and say out of the blue, that they’ve lost so and so thing, and could I please help them to find it. Which at this point is fairly okay and reasonable, so I agree to it. The search that ensues is quite exhausting (for me only, since the one who lost their belonging has put the expert – me – on the job and wandered off to do something far more interesting and worth their time).
I end up turning the entire house over, only to locate the so called ‘lost item’ where its owner said they’d looked twice.
I’m a bit smarter now; (funny how certain experiences make one a quick learner) I start by searching in the exact spot they said they’d double-checked. And more often than not, there it is; the rogue item with all its glory, lying in the same spot they’d insisted it wouldn’t be. Sometimes I get the feeling that they’re just being extra lazy, but I daren’t say this to them!!
P.S. You could try turning your “Fruit Bowl” into a remote bowl, similar to the one you have for your keys. That way you won’t keep losing your “Apple” remote.
okay, you can come and live with us
I had to read it twice due to the first time I read it tears were falling from my eyes as it brought back the nightmare I had when I too lost my keys (I kept my house keys & car key on same bunch, yes I know this is frown upon but I’d lose them if they weren’t together!)
I lost them back in October 2019, unfortunately I still am yet to find said keys, but after re-reading your blog I now have renewed hope in finding my keys. I long for the old days where I could walk away from my car using the car fob to lock it as I walk up to my house, I now have to remind myself to lock the car (with the spare key) before I start my journey to walk to the house, so many times I’ve been half way there and had to go back to my car.
If only I knew where I’d lost the keys!!
There is always hope!
check your sofa!
Glad you found them! This also (kinda) happened to me this week. I had two tests on Monday and on Sunday night, my phone decides to be stupid. More stupid than usual. After numerous attempts to turn it on and off, the only thing I got was a “Secure Failure: Kennel” (if anyone knows what this means, please tell me). This would not be a problem, except my school has a double lock system on their site where you have a username, password, and have to click confirm through your phone as well. My mom’s phone is an old model, so the app doesn’t even exist on it, so I had to call the company up to let me add another number on my sister’s phone. Good news: Did really well on the test. Bad news: my phone is officially dead and I have two more tests on Monday and Friday. Wish me luck.
you got this
UPDATE: PASSED all my Nursing School Exams for the University of Michigan 🙂
Another story I just remembered (more about keys). Background: my sister has been at summer band camp since Sunday and my mom joined her up there on Wednesday (its about 4 hours away from home). It was a Thursday afternoon and my dad brought us home from his work and gave me the house keys to go inside because he wanted to listen to the car radio. I put the keys on the counter so he could reattach them. He never did. We went out to dinner with his friend later that evening and realized the house key was still inside. We didn’t have a spare key hidden in the garage at the time and the only other key was with my mom, 2 days and 4 hours away. The door was also metal so we couldn’t break it. We ended up sleeping in the back of our dental office (but I got tired of his snoring while trying to share an uncushioned couch and moved to the front). Worst sleep ever.
this eclipses my story by a mile
UPDATE: PASSED all my Nursing School Exams for the University of Michigan 🙂
get in
Loved it! I could sense the frustration, desperation, anger, and joy just by reading your words! Once more, Mr. Holland, well done! Never desappoints!
Take care!
Cheers!