Timing…

To say the least, my timing is poor.

In the week I am launching a brand-new podcast – Takes on Life (available now) (just saying) and publishing a new book (same title) (available tomorrow) – my latest potential bestseller – that these two seismic events in my long and tired career should coincide with me losing my official status as a genuine celebrity is indeed unfortunate.

Aren’t comedians supposed to have great timing?

A little context is needed here, I feel.

Even by the low threshold that passes for ‘fame’ in our internet age, I am not a genuine celebrity.

But by losing my status as a ‘celeb’, I am referring to the loss of my blue tick on Twitter – social media verification that I am THE Dominic Holland – the metric of modern fame. A grievous loss and all thanks to Elon – a man so famous that he needs only one name – his Christian name (Elon) – or his surname (Musk) and instantly the entire world knows who is being referred to.

Whatever you think of the world’s richest person, he is a remarkable man. In his quest to visit Mars, (as one does…) his latest rocket expensively exploded, and was probably cheered by many and no doubt, including a cohort of disgruntled former celebrities.

There are a few options available to me to regain my hallowed tick. I can acquire 920,000 extra followers which seems unlikely, or I can pay a monthly subscription for the privilege.

Or I can do nothing at all, which is my preference. I went through my entire school life with a lack of red ticks so I can certainly get by my adulthood without a single blue one.

I note that Tom’s tick remains and probably because he meets the threshold of follower numbers. Or perhaps he has started to pay Elon for this privilege although I seriously doubt this. Like me, Tom has a project he is about to launch and so his social media clout is about to become important. A 10-part mini-series on Apple TV called A Crowded Room which I suspect will have a bigger marketing budget and spend than I can muster for my two projects combined.

Plus, Tom has the added advantage of having a dad with a popular blog and the possibility that I will mention his new show. I wonder if this might even have been a factor for the Apple executives when they decided to cast him. Or more likely his former movie roles tipped the odds in his favour?

How many of us scroll Netflix for something to watch are persuaded by a movie because a certain actor with sufficient heft appears in it?

I have no such allure or reach and yet I am unperturbed by the odds against me for new ventures because I have enjoyed creating them, but this is only a bonus because my new career strategy is unorthodox but devilishly cunning. I know it by the not-so-catchy acronym VLG-VVG. Once I explain it to you, everything will become clear, and you won’t feel any pressure or need to acquire either of my new projects nor help me to spread the word.

VLG is an abbreviation of Very Long Game.

This is because immediate success is so often fleeting. You know what I mean… here today, gone tomorrow. This one hit wonder fame is something to avoid. But success acquired over time is much more durable and it might be commensurate with how long the success has been earned.

Which brings me to VVG…

This is the part that excites me the most because it might elevate me to iconic artist status. Aim high, right? I am talking about about joining the greats. People who took so long to become successful, they did not survive the wait. This might be a tragedy but not if the ‘artist’ is a selfless type and happens to have a large brood of children and who might welcome the perpetual harvest from their old-man’s work.

By now, you might have guessed what VVG denotes…

Vincent Van Gogh…

I’m going for the posthumous success angle.

Which is a posh way of saying – success after I pop my clogs which is a long winded way of saying Elon can shove his blue tick up his…

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Takes on Life Vol.2 is published tomorrow.

Takes on Life, the podcast on the vagaries of my life and yours… is available now on Global Player.

The Crowded Room starring Tom Holland (the son of former celebrity… Dominic Holland) is out in June.