Beards. How we can all profit?

I have long been resentful of trendy types.

This is because I am jealous and not something that I am terribly proud of.

I am jealous because I am not trendy. I never have been trendy and I never will be.

And for many reasons…

I don’t really have the inclination, nor the time, or money (4 kids) and certainly not the confidence to go around looking frankly ridiculous and yet somehow cool as well.

So I dress safely and I look bog standard boring – and I look upon these trendy types with resentment.

And I reserve particular ire for the latest trend of being a ‘hipster’ – the name for which I only discovered last week when listening to the Jeremy Vine Show on BBCR2 – which itself is an admission of not being terribly fashionable.

The hipster is the Victorian gent look that has swept everything else aside.

Brogues. Tight jeans/trousers that are too short. Tweed jacket. An armful of ink for the truly committed and neck tattoos for the deranged – but whereas tattoos are optional – a beard is absolutely mandatory.

And the bigger the beard the better.

And I am particularly scornful of this fashion accessory because I am incapable of growing a beard.

I just cannot produce enough facial hair.

My facial growth is incomplete and reluctant, so the best I could ever manage would be a homeless look – or just unkempt – and never the big bushy masses that these blokes in Soho like to fashion and run in my face (metaphorically). 

Obviously – these types congregate in the young and the trendy professions.

Last night – I had the invidious task of hosting the Digital Impact Awards at the Brewery on Chiswell Street in London. 550 of London’s hip and cool crowd. Young professionals who live in the cloud darling.

A fantastic bunch of professional people doing sterling jobs I am sure but boy – did standing on that stage last night -  did I feel all alone and left out.

The place was stiff with beards.

On stage – awards winners only – I did a beard count and got to 66!

How bloody annoying is that?

5 years ago Рthe clich̩ went that in the UK, only geography teachers and archaeologists had beards Рand now they are all the rage.

There is an upside to this trend of course.

I like the idea of old blokes now suddenly finding themselves trendy. Men who have always worn a beard and not because some bloke called Jools or Jago or Jasper or Jonty has decided that this is the new look.

And another reason why this phenomenon is good – is because it proves the maxim that we are all sheep. We humans need to belong. And on this -note –  I worry that I don’t fit in.

Because if I could grow a beard and I had the time, the money and the inclination – then bet your ass I would sucking on a pipe right now and stroking my whiskers with the best of them.

And my advice for anyone reading this short blog…

Like all trends – this one will fade and overnight, the beard will declared obsolete and for this will inevitably create a huge money making opportunity for us all. With my track record, I rarely give financial advice – but in this instance, I make an exception…

BUY shares in GILLETTE and WILKINSON SWORD – their upside is going to be massive.