Some things should not be attempted…

I guess that stand up comedy fits in to the category of things that should not be attempted. This is because it is difficult and most people will fail – and fail painfully. There is no unpainful way to stand on stage to silence when there should be laughter.

Stand-up comedy I can do – as proven by the fact that I am still working – but changing wiper blades is something way beyond me.

This weekend I am gigging all over – Nottingham, Cambridge and then Chester – coming home each night – and aware that my car wipers are more smearing than clearing, I was mindful to do something about it.

I am not referring to changing the entire wiper arm. In the recess of my mind I had stored some information from a Jewish friend of mine who is the master of paying not a penny more for anything that he needs. He once forced Tesco to change the rules of their Clubcard. I don’t even have a clubcard. The information was something like - “Wiper arms are very expensive but I know a place where they sell just the rubber blades and they can be slid in to place, no problem.”

Driving back from this shop today with my new blades – I was mightily smug and proud of myself. I had saved £25 and I was going to do something practical and useful for a change. Writing books! Big deal. I was about to become a car mechanic.

I made a schoolboy error straight away by announcing to my wife and boys what I was going to do after dinner.

That was two hours ago now and I have conceded defeat. I have two blades on my desk in pieces. Tomorrow I will need to go to my garage with my various bits. He will laugh at me as much as my family have already done.

And if I can’t get the wipers replaced – the gigs must go on and so I will take  my life in to my hands and pray to Pope Francis for dry nights. Otherwise I could die and I don’t mean on stage – although this would be equally unpleasant.

You will know the outcome if this indeed turns out to be the post on this blog of mine…